Fuck, I'm OLD

I have fourth graders in the computer room right now, and some of the eighth grade boys' basketball team just came in. They are, of course, the tallest, most popular, and most mature looking guys in the school. They also think they are the shit, and like to say it.
I asked one of them to "watch his language," to which he replied, "Yes ma'am."

I
am
a
Ma'am.

Lessons My Father Taught Me: 01

This is the beginning of a new themed post.

Always keep yourself moisturized/hydrated.

This addresses several issues:

• chapped lips
• dry skin (face and body)
• dehydration and the related issues: headaches, cramps, fatigue, sore throat, nosebleeding, mood changes, itches

When I was very young, my father would drop me off at school, and before I would jump out of the AeroStar and onto the playground, I would use the carchapstick and say goodbye to my dad ("See ya later, alligator!" "After a while, crocodile!" "See you soon, you big baboon!" "Anytime, lemon-lime!" "Okie-dokie, smokie!"). It was a twice-daily routine. He made it clear that it was imperative that my lips not be chapped. If he were to catch me licking my lips he would snap for me to stop and immediately give me chapstick.

An extention of this moisture craze was the Morning Glass of Water. Every morning when I awoke, I would be greeted by both the sun and a parent, toting the Morning Glass of Water. I drank that water before I spoke some days. On others, I would protest, but I always had to have water in the morning, and water after school. Before bed, water (or warm milk, when I was unable to fall asleep). Water was the cure for many ailments. Most complaints that I had would be met with a glass of water first, then possible medication, rest, or food afterwards.
Always, always, water first.

The next way to maintain proper hydration, if not from the inside (via water) or for ailing lips, would be to use lotion. Ashy limbs, dry or chapped hands were unacceptable. Also, dry skin on your face is unseemly.

elaboration on: Hate Mail

ok, ryan to the third power, you have called me out.

lemme splain.

yes, i did express to the person that i did not desire to reinflate a past friendship.
this is after over 3 years of NO CONTACT with this person.
this is after this person betrayed the friendship, did not apologize, and poisoned another friendship.
this is after this person was an asshole, said and wrote mean things, and did not apologize sufficiently.

anyway, this is just a person who was once in my life, and is now not, and that is super.

fyi: there is a new blank billboard on 95. i'm excited to see what happens.

Hate Mail

Remember when I told you that people call me uggo?

People also tell me how they dislike me.

Direct quote from an email:

"Ok fine. You suck."

I've been meaning to share that with you for a while now.

Dear X-men,

I'll admit that we tried/succeeded/failed/never were but could have been, and you sucked/rocked/blew me off/sang/danced/worked out/threw me away/got fat/ate my food/were an ass/were wasted.
At one time, we were friends/in love/not really into it/bored/confused.
Now, I pretty much remember the good/bad/ugly/shitty/ok/lukewarm times.
I wish we could erase it/go back/never have been/change one thing/change everything/run away.
I never want to talk to you again/miss you/wonder if you miss me/miss talking to you/think you're an ass, still.

Grow up/Shut up/Stop crying/Be my friend/Go away.


--Fran

America's Next Top Model

I was going to write another letter post, but this was distracting me...

He likes to nap on the monitor because it's warm. How do you not love him?
Anyway, I don't feel like telling you about more stuff that I think is wack right now...except for this:

I am a twenty-something, full-time employed college grad who is not desperately seeking marriage. It's not that I want to have several wild oats sowed in me, or that I need more time to "experiment," but I am completely not ready to start a new and complicated life when the one I have is still a bit unsteady.
I still have to set my career path and finish more school. I live like a college student still, roommate, ramen, rock posters and all. I am an adult not yet ready to start a whole other family. Can you imagine that? Having more family? That is so intense. I feel unfinished in a way that will not be satisfied with another person, just me and what I can do.

So that's what's up.
Word.

Dear Crazy Teacher Colleagues,

Please get rid of that black sweatsuit you have with a teacher-themed border running up each leg and each sleeve. The apples and chalkboards are not cute.

Please eat a lunch that includes at least ONE of the following:

1. real sugar (instead of aspartame)
2. real salt (instead of imitation sodium products)
3. real fat (instead of oleo)
4. real vegetables (instead of over-processed mystery vegetable diet meals)
5. real fruit (instead of completely synthetic gel-like fruit-flavored concoction on which you spray imitation whipped cream)
6. real butter/oil (instead of spraying i can't believe it's not butter on your fake vegetables)

Please do not wear button down shirts, because it is unattractive when the buttons come off.

Please learn how to use your ruler. 10mm = 1 cm.

Please cut your claws -- I mean nails. You may be scaring the children.

Please stop coming to work with your headset on, talking from being on the highway in your car until you pick up your kids from the schoolyard.

Youz cray-dizzle.

That's all I have to say about that.

-- Miss Fran

Dear 95N Billboard Makers,

You try very hard to grab my attention.
I can tell, because the BudLight girl is nearly naked.
Also, the new red billboard that says, "[something very tiny that I cannot read] DIRTY BALLS" is quite intriguing.

Thank you for entertaining me on my way to work every morning between exits 23 and 30.
Perhaps you entertain me a bit too much.

Dr. Pistone is very confusing to me. The picture clearly demonstrates how he previously had fly-away combover hair, and now has a lush head of silver-gray. Should I pronounce his name as, "PIE-stone" or "piston"? I prefer the stone of pies. But I definitely spend too much time every single morning thinking about that.

Anyway, thanks. Looking forward to what you bring over the summer.

FrannyD

Heather, I must really love you to wear those turquoise heels with fishnets in the middle of January.

You can't see them here, but I promise I did wear them on Heather's birthday celebration #239 at Irish.

Dear Bad Drivers,

Why do you weave back and forth between the two lanes of Walnut Street during rush hour?
Did you think that the bus would suddenly move more quickly and become shorter?
Also, here's a tip: do NOT park on Walnut by Rittenhouse when it is VALET ONLY.
If I had not just had my front bumper and hood replaced, I would totally ram you from behind.
Rear end you, if you will.
Maybe I will cut you and stop short instead.

I hate you.
Bye.

like she's born in black and white

took the day off.
needed a day.
watching kitty chase his tail on top of the monitor.
found out that the ring isn't covered, and is going to run me $42/month....
i'll be a student soon enough, and insurance plans don't want students to be preggers.

yesterday, the youngest gay boy i know told me,
"miss fran, tomorrow i want to see your long hair just down and flowing. ponytails are so yesterday."

i know i have been away from blogging, but that doesn't mean i haven't been thinking about it a lot. i have a series of "letters" to write in the near future. one has been posted for your viewing pleasure.

also, hobag -- i still cannot post comments on your blog. you may want to look into that, because i have funny and interesting things to say. one thing is that since dawn weiner, heather matarazzo has been in a movie about glen ridge where she plays a retarded high schooler, scream 3 (in which she played the movie nerd's surviving younger sister), roseanne (as d.j.'s weirdo friend who likes documentaries), and saved (mandy moore's loser pushover friend who stands up in the end). among others.

time to end a non-productive day with some wb.

p.s.
i no longer go to bed with joe rogan, because fear factor was moved to 3AM instead of 1AM!
sucky mcsuckerson for me.

on current rotation:

what can i say brandi carlile
i want to hear you sad the early november
suddenly i see k t tunstall
sin tu amor la ley

Dearest Little Friend,

Sometimes I think you are such a chicken shit.
You have great dreams, but you're building a shitty reality.
Do you have priorities? Do you change them on a whim?
Suck it up and do what you know you need to do.
Stop blaming nothing for everything and yourself for nothing.
Everything you do is your fault -- everything great and everything shitty.
You are both great and shitty.

Bye.

pip squeaks

in art, we have these little kid markers called "pip squeaks," and they have the silliest names.
a few of my favorites...

little boy blue
teensy teal
golden nugget
raspberry squirt

follow-up

i like to ambiguously bitch about everyone i know, and FYI, JACK WAS A REAL DUDE AND I AM LIL.
how shitty is that?
jack, you're a jack.

also:
i have a lot of things that i am throwing away since i have moved. if you want random shit (including plastic shelves), come and get it by my dumpster.

cradle robber

i think this kid in my class is flirting with me sometimes, and it creeps me out.
the other day he started playing with my hair, so i think he is either 3rd-grade flirting or gay-ish.
dunno.
if i were in 3rd grade, i would totally be into him though, because he is cool, but he follows directions and isn't stupid.